This blog post inspiration came from a combination of two different people. Number one… My sister – she said to me in December this exact quote, “Well, um, I don’t know how you will take this… but you kinda struggle with regrets… like you always talk about the mistakes you made.” What was funny about that is she TOTALLY thought I was going to argue with her… the truth is she is absolutely right. I am not a “let sleeping dogs lie” kind of girl. I hold on to grudges. I don’t know about you but I STRUGGLE with decisions I have made in the past and beat myself up over every single misstep.
Well, the second was a late night conversation In Greece with Jennifer. She said to me, “you know what college girls need? They need the truth from someone who lived it about what mistakes you made and what you wish you could take back… you should blog about that.” Well… that sounds easy enough. But when it is sitting in front of you on your computer in the middle of the night on a cross country flight… it AIN’T EASY.
So here they are:
- I regret caring so much about what people thought in high school. Man alive, everyone was so concerned with their own lives they were sure as heck not thinking about me. I don’t think it ruined my high school experience but it prevented me from liking myself from day to day… or liking anything for that matter. I am not one of those people who has fond memories of high school… I actually dread showing my face in my local grocery store. I DO NOT… repeat NEVER WILL regret fighting with my principal… that man was just not quite ready for a young lady who questioned authority, thought critically and had a healthy disregard for the status quo.
- I regret never actually breaking up with my college sweetheart. I mean we broke up when I was traveling… but then every time I was home from grad school or whatever we would make promises of making it work again. I feel like I drug it out. Or like I made it more painful for him… and me. We honestly did not even have a real conversation about ‘us’ until I was engaged to Brendon. That was a mistake because I never officially made a decision… I wish I had made the decision… but I was too much of a scaredy cat who just wanted people to approve of me and I never wanted to hurt people’s feelings. You know how that goes. The relationship you never have the guts to end.
- I regret Taking SOOO long to break up with the DOUCHE BAG I dated in college. I mean how many friends, family members and likewise had to tell me they loathed him? That was one of the lower points in my life. I don’t really think I enjoyed him as a person… I just wanted to win. I wanted to be so good at being a girlfriend that he would just decide to completely stop cheating on me, texting other girls or lying about what time he made it home from the bars. Sometimes I am too competitive for my own good. I think I thought that if he would stop treating me like garbage I would stop thinking of myself as garbage… but instead with every new day I liked myself less and less… and less.
- I regret my tattoo. I REGRET THAT STUPID BLUE STAR ON MY ANKLE MORE THAN ANY OF THESE! GOOD LORD… 18 year old KJ, pull it together! A star? Really? Like that will stay ‘trendy’ forever! Do you want to know how much money it cost to be applied? $40… yeah a good dinner in an airport. Or Chipotle for your roommates. Do you want to know how much it will cost to remove it? AT MINIMUM… $1,200. I WAS AN IDIOT!
- None of these really make me cringe anymore except this one. I regret more than ANY of these the times I was not a good friend. Like in high school and a I ditched my friend to go to the movies with a boy I liked. Or when I snapped at Chelsie at my wedding. Those memories hurt too much to talk about. The worst was when I was on the inaugural Steel Mimosa reunion in Vegas and I spent the entire third night chasing after some miserable jerk that was a a-hole to Sarah. Those are the only things I want to apologize for. They are the only things I still cannot talk about on this blog. It feels too real and too personal. And I like myself less for it… so if I write it, will you like me less?
So I guess the reason I write this… is if you are struggling with something thinking you will make a mistake. If you are crying in your pillow about a break up. If you are embarrassed or humiliated for some outburst you said or did. OR if you are like me and still reliving a decision you made in the past… Here is what I want you to know. I actually do not regret any of my moments of low self-esteem… or embarrassing moments. I just regret treating the people who matter most to me like they did not matter. So my advice is this, treat the people who matter the most like tiny delicate blue robin’s eggs. Like they are the most rare and beautiful thing in the world. Treat them like they are beautiful, alive, easy to hurt and like only you can keep them warm and safe to see what they turn into.
In conclusion, I was so busy treating that one guy that I was dating at some point like he was my whole world that I forgot to properly love the people who hold my world together. I am sorry guys, I think about it a lot.
Oh, And I regret my tattoo… A LOT!