Hi friends. I first of all feel like I need to apologize for ghosting you. But honestly I just dropped my basket. I learned that term in one of my fav books “The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood,” which defines powerful female friendships in such an important way for me. It is one of the reasons I do what I do. The term means I fell apart, I dropped my basket and spilled out all the most precious things, then I had to pick it up.
Last year some time I ended my 7 year relationship (slash got a divorce). It was awful. I can’t even begin to put all of it into one blog. But it changed me in good ways and in bad ways. But here is why I honestly stopped blogging:
- Quality pictures drive good blogs. I had no one to take my pictures. I know that sounds so stupid and like a cop out but that is the truth. I was alone. Brendon did a lot of my editing and cropping and uploading of my photos. I could literally not do it without him. I didn’t have pretty pictures is the first reason, which is stupid, and vapid and counterintuitive to what I believe and preach… but honest.
- The second reason, is I lost all my confidence. I lost the belief that knew what I was doing. I second guessed every step I took. I sat down on my trail and didn’t move. I stopped all of the things that I felt made me strong; like prioritizing fitness, making conscious decisions to eat healthy, getting ready, getting my hair done, shopping, washing my face… all of it. I got rid of it all to strip away the layers of things I did to feel enough. To look at the heart behind the machine and decide if she was enough. So I didn’t feel like you should listen to me. I didn’t feel like I knew what I was doing… I was blind and didn’t deserve to lead anyone.
- I have always heard that as a speaker you should never talk about what you are currently experiencing on stage… because it is too messy and it makes no sense to your people. So I did not know how to talk about what I was currently experiencing on stage, in life, in this blog. I did not know how to be messy. This one is crazy… because I talk about vulnerability and how it is necessary. But I wanted to be perfect. I thought this would be a black mark that would maul my image to everyone, that would put me so far over the edge into a place where no one would understand me. This would be the nail in my coffin… I did not know how to be honest about something I hated about myself so much. I don’t believe people would love me if they knew every piece of me… that is a common fear, I know. I was afraid of testing my relationships and afraid of testing the people who said they loved me… because it is easy to love someone who is positive, happy and seemingly perfect. So I did not want to blog, because I did not want to test the love of anyone else… I tested the love of my marriage and it failed… why would anyone else work?
So this is the week of Why’s. It will be 5 parts. They will be answers you deserve… but mostly I need to say so I can reclaim my voice, my light and my life. Ill be back tomorrow… but mostly let us all pray I can find some damn pictures.