New year new you right. Well for some weird reason I feel stuck in the old me because there are still so many things that I have not let out. I feel like this just has to be said, so I can truly live my new life. I feel like this just has to be said to leave the past in the past acknowledge look at it turn it over.. and move on. I’ve had this written for months and have been afraid of posting this. In the past two years I have not felt very brave. I am slowly feeling braver… so here goes nothing.
First of all about my ex, I wish him nothing but the best. Only love and respect coming from me. This is about me. There has to be ownership or there is no growth. There is so much that happens between two people and this is me owning my truth and knowing the hard wrongs I did. I have no desire to tell you all the other side of the fence. We all make mistakes. These are my mistakes. I am not taking all the blame, but here is my contribution:
- I tend to my grudges like little pets. My sister loves to tell me I am bad at two things, regret and grudges. Ain’t that the truth. When I celebrated my first wedding I truly believed what you put out into the world will come back around to you. So I wanted to be loved the way I love, basic simple. So I poured love into that relationship praying it would circle back around to me… but that is not how love works. From the gifts I thought up to the meals I prepared, everything was perfect, thinking I would deserve perfect love and receive perfect love if I was perfect and loved perfectly, thoughtfully and fully. I have never related to anyone so much as the Amy Dunne character in Gone girl… minus the whole disappearing thing. Then when one thing went wrong or if there was one misstep on his part I catalogued it, and kept score. I used my wrong doings verses his in fights like brownie patches, proving I was better at this than him. We were mauled burnt up pieces by the end. What used to be respect, love and care was now charred bits of a broken relationships. But I could not let go of the things I felt were unjust. There was no grace coming from me, just the expectation of self-improvement – on both of our parts.
- When I first went to my therapist in Indiana she asked me what I wanted. We talked about communication with my partner, we talked about a plan to live together again in the future, we talked about all the ways to warrior through the storm if you want to make it work. At the end of that very first appointment I said to her, “I don’t know if I want to fix my marriage, I want to fix myself.” That is pretty selfish, and it is pretty shameful to tell you the truth but here is what I believe. You cannot love someone if you don’t love yourself. Two people cannot spend their lives together if they don’t know who they are as individuals. The two of us were lost and clueless. I played all the stupid games we as women play when dating, all the way from liking whatever that person liked to being as adventurous and carefree as you need to be to be accepted and liked by men. I was the coolest of cool girls. I was not myself because I did not know myself. When I became more of myself he did not know who to love. I was broken when we met. I let graduate school, childhood pain, being treated like currency in previous relationships shape my self-esteem and enoughness. That created my personality instead of being brave enough to be myself. I entered into a marriage thinking if someone valued me enough to buy me a diamond, clearly, I had value. Well here is some foreshadowing for you, people who wonder if they are enough make others feel like they are not enough. Your own perception of your worth affects others people’s sense of their worth.
- Honestly, in the very beginning, from the first moment I knew. I knew it was not the love of my life, but a love for right now. We all know how that feels… I just let it last too long. I knew I had to be with him but I knew it was not what I actually wanted. I really wanted safe (because I was broken… remember). How rude, selfish and cowardly of me to use someone because they are safe and made me feel secure. I remember feeling it on the first kiss. The moment he asked me to spend ‘forever’ with him I knew. I said yes because I was supposed to say yes… you don’t lead someone all the way down that path then say no. I should have… but I was a coward. I had cold feet 4 months before, and when I say cold I mean icicles. I should have listened to the most important opinion in the world, mine. But I let, what I believe, society told me good girls should do, lead my actions. Surely if society thought it was right it would be safe and easy and tons of people did it so it must be safe. This won’t hurt. I believed it might not be the crazy love I wanted but a safe and easy life.
Tomorrow (or some time this week) I hope to finish the story, so I can be honest about how it all falls apart.