So many things in my life are changing like crazy right now I am dying to take you along the journey… and a little scared because announcing new moves is always scary (because what if they fail??!!!)
First of all: Health Update…
On the 4th of July I was hit in the eye with a firework. I was rushed to the emergency room sobbing and shaking; terrified about what this would mean for the rest of my life. It changed my entire life. Here is the rapid fire answers to the questions most people immediately ask; no I was not drinking. No I was not lighting them off. No I did not buy them/they were not mine. AND I was up on the yard pretty far away.
Sometimes stuff happens for sure. It is a total when life hands you lemons moment.
Here are the health facts: I had to have emergency surgery to save my sight. I am stable now but will need an unknown amount of additional surgeries in the future after the blood clears from inside my eyeball and I am healed. I HAD 20:20 vision due to my lasik surgery in 2014, and after these medical proceedings, I now have JACKED up vision in my right eye. I must wear glasses, because I cannot wear a contact yet in my right eye (because of the stitches in my eye ball… barf). I have permanent blindness that will NEVER be restored, so I will never be able to see what I was born with again. I have no idea what I will look like at my wedding. I do not know if the redness and wounds will look any better than they do right now. I have no idea if I will be able to wear contacts or glasses or just walk around with my wobbly vision… I have 40 days until I can figure that out.
Here is what else I learned: I read this article on Toxic Positivity. Like I said above this is a when life hands you lemons moment. I am LUCKY I have an eye, and I am not blind, and I know that. But it also… sucks! I will never be the same. There is a huge part of me that just wants to pretend like everything is fine, I am a survivor, and stubbornly optimistic. I can feel my entire being wanting to just push myself into being OK again… but that completely ignores the fact that this life altering thing happened to me and mostly, if I push I will never heal. So, I had to spend 3 weeks in bed, miserable because I could not watch Netflix, read books, move or even go to the bathroom without assistance. I had bed sores and lost all my muscle definition I was working so hard on for the big day. I listened to podcasts Austin would play for me, while he hand fed me foods that made me nauseous, while every muscle in my body was cramping from the way I had to sit. There was a lot of darkness. Everyone will tell you to look for the bright side of so many situations, but do not forget to just let it suck sometimes and that is OK. Be careful, don’t slip into the anger, depression and darkness but be honest with yourself.
Know, that when life hands you lemons… sometimes there is no sugar to make lemonade, and no matter how much you pray they don’t turn out to be lulu. But, my darling know you can face lemons, and survive… You can do hard things.
My right eye is still dilated… still! I am still wearing the really cool sunglasses the hospital gave me to protect me from wind and sun that cover my new prescription glasses. I am not yet cleared to workout. So, I wait… and heal… and be honest with myself about how life will look different, and be honest with others that now there are limitations where before there was no stop, only go.
Lastly, Austin and my parents were my rocks. One of the many times Austin took me to the bathroom I was sobbing in the dark little room because I was in such an incredible amount of pain and I kept apologizing, saying to him over and over and over again, “I know this is not me, I hate being so dependent on anyone, I hope I can just see you again without it hurting.” We both cried in our tiny upstairs bathroom that moment terrified about what the future might hold but holding on to one another so tightly. As always, I am reminded about how lucky I am to be so fiercely loved.