The Updates continued: The Wedding

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I am getting married… in 39 days!  If you follow me on Social media you already know this.  I am thrilled and honestly planning has been the easiest thing.  I, for once in my life am so aware of my own thoughts and opinions and am not being distracted by what others think or what I am imagining others think.  There are a few issues that have come up here and there but for the most part I am relaxed and thrilled.

First of all, planning.  My budget was a, ‘yeah no’…  And I refuse to ask any one for any help so making it work has been interesting.  I have been keeping a crazy detailed spread sheet to just be aware of the finances that includes rings, the dress, stamps and every other teeny tiny expense.  Weddings are stupid expensive and I am trying to be reasonable but make it worth the trip to Seattle for so many of Austin’s people and my own for that matter.  Right now, it looks like we will be squeezing by with WAY MORE than I anticipated (LOL, Yikes!), but all in cash, no secret debt and no credit cards.

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The most difficult part is executing.  I will pick a vendor or a location or anything and just freeze.  They send me the contract and I still am panicking.  I am used to pulling the trigger on so many things in my life and it is not the decision that is daunting it is the commitment.  It has nothing to do with Austin and how I feel about him but mostly about me and me letting my fear and belief on what I deserve creep in.  Sometimes I feel insane for wanting this awesome wedding and an amazing dress, and a menu that I cannot wait to dig my teeth into.  Sometimes I am afraid no one will come.  Sometimes I convince myself I do not deserve it.   But mostly I am waiting for it to all fall apart.

By biggest fear is talking about it, because I am convinced I will look like a fool eventually.  I was talking to one of my good friends about it all in March and she very openly said to me, ‘I know exactly how you feel, you are waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I remember that feeling of waiting for it to fall apart or the feelings to go away, and it took me years to realize… that maybe this one won’t fall apart.’  This is my hope and this is what I am working on, but I am always looking for the crack that ends it all.  Looking for the beginning of the end because last time I was blindsided.

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Finally, I am approaching this so differently than I anticipated.  I thought planning was about putting together all the pieces of what you wanted on pinterest, or it was about creating a vibe for your guests to enjoy.  Austin and I have been focusing on articulating the way we feel about each other through each thing we deliver and each piece we pick.  The website, the venue, the decorations and the invites all feel like us… A perfect combination of the two of us.  But mostly I want it to feel simple and easy like the way I feel about him, but intense and obvious, also the way I feel about him.  So everyone coming will be walking into our love and walking into the way we see one another.

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This wedding will matter and it will be beautiful, but it will not change the way I feel about him.  The minute he asked me to jump into this, I was scared, timid and in denial.  But I gave my heart away to him a long time ago.  Our wedding is about welcoming people into our favorite thing we have found.  This is not a chance for me to plan a party, this is a chance for us to welcome people into something we cherish, the way we feel about each other.  This is also my chance to reclaim a little bit of my optimism, freedom and joy and actually believe that Love is real.

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